| |
|
|
| |
 |
March 22nd, 2013
|
|
Frustrated |
 |
|
|
|
I am in a foul mood. I am stressed. And I'm not going to pretend otherwise for anybody. Yet I gotta keep it game face for the sake of my kids 'cause they didn't sign up to worry about my burdens. But of course my stress emanates from my love for them.
Kiki. Boyboys and Eemy. I live to love them. And they love me. I giggle when I hear them arguing over who loves me the most. Swells my heart. And that's what motivates me to push harder to achieve my goals. Because every one that I do benefits them. Kiki, she straight. She's developing into quite a young lady. She's academically thriving and I must say I'm impressed by her athleticism. So so proud of her. But I'm hard on her. Ill be the first to say it. But I have to be. Because the last thing I need is to end up like me in some ways. Three children and unmarried. And angry. Nah make that bitterly disappointed.
While it makes no sense wallowing in pity I have to get this off my chest in order to continue with my healing process. I need someone to explain to me how do you handle when someone who was once a loving father morph into a total deadbeat. Refusing to pay, always an excuse why you can't see the kids yet have time, transportation and money for everything else? Once I have an explanation for that I'll be able to achieve peace.
See from as long as I can remember I don't handle rejection well. And I handle rejection of my kids even worst. They are innocent and do not deserve the hand being dealt yet I'm constantly told: "Don't worry about it Carla. This will make you stronger."
Really?
I kind of see it differently. If BOTH parents worked together to ensure the children were provided for wouldn't that be MOST beneficial? I guess I'm the only ass that sees it that way. I guess that's why his 10 pin buddies and groupies look at me in some way. No way the great champ could be delinquent. It must be something that she's done to him. Yeah. It is. Told the truth. But when you live in a lie and fake for people your whole life why would the truth be a good thing?
Just yesterday someone said to me: I don't understand why you wasted so much time with a loser. Kinda harsh. But I had to swallow it. And yes the truth hurts.
So what do I do? While he's living a great life, being the champ and faking like he actually gives a crap about these kids, I'm doing my best to make ends meet because my kids didn't sign up for this. He was better off just being a straight zero from the beginning like the one before him. But for some reason I thought he was different. If anyone would have told me any differently I would have called them a liar. But now more than ever I wish I would have listened. My life would have been better. And further. |
|
|
|
|
| |
February 4th, 2013
|
|
Take off ya mask...you'll breathe better! |
|
|
|
|
Ay you...ya YOU. People like you annoy the shit outta me. You look me dead in my face, got a whole lot to say behind my back...yet you have me as a friend on Facebook. Or you liked my new page, or you stalk my blog. All so that you can run back to whomever and flap ya gums. And guess what? I salute you. Because clearly you are so intrigued by what I have to say. And let's be for real. It's not because you care about me or my kids but simply because you wanna be in the know. So for all of you who have something negative to say let me enlighten you...I am not fake. I don't smile up in people's faces and say one thing to them and change the story when you turn. I keep a small trusted circle of friends. And I honor them. And they honour me. They can tell me anything and it stays with me.
Which leads me to this....
Some of you have vocalized to certain people about how my blog put people on blast. Really how so? Because I spoke the truth? Or because I refuse to be like 3/4 of this Island and fake like everything is perfect? Or should I live behind a mask like so many of you do. You know your man is doing everybody. Or what about you who knows full well there ain't no way you fathered that baby. Oh let's not forget the fake Christians because you all's list goes on and on. Or the closet druggie. Catch my drift? Too many of you spend so much time perpetrating that you have no clue what reality is anymore. Ya you walk around with that designer bag but I wonder how many ppl really know you just put $15 in ya jeep you could never afford.
It annoys me that people say my post blasted yet did anyone stop and say: Damn who the hell does that to their kid and someone they claim to love? Nah, because by wagging ya gums about my blog it allows you to deny how effed up people can be.
But I thank you. Because ya curiosity shoots my numbers up tremendously on my site. In the meanwhile I will continue to walk with my head high and grind to make sure my kids are taken care of. There is nothing you can say about me that I've not already said myself. I have nothing to be ashamed of.
And please don't feel sorry for me or my kids. They know who provides for and nurtures them. And to what extent. Those who have to lie about it do so for you. The ppl with the masks. Lies are far easier to believe than the truth.
As I've said a thousand times I live in truth so I really don't care what you think. So you have a great day. And that flashlight on your door step...I left it there for you. Turn it on and take a good look in your closet. Make sure you look right in the back cause (insert your shit here) is waiting for you to acknowledge. CarlaSZ
|
|
|
|
|
| |
January 22nd, 2013
|
|
GOODBYE |
|
|
|
|
This is probably one of my hardest blog posts ever. But I have to do it in order to complete this journey once and for all. It is here where I solidify that the buck has officially stopped. After over seven years of being involved with the one man I ever loved, the time has come for me to say goodbye. Once and for all. Yeah yeah some of you have heard me say This before but it comes a time in life when you have to realise IT IS WHAT IT IS.
Let's go back to 1986. I remember it like yesterday. Interschool sports. I went to West Pembroke; he to Purvis. He had this really pretty skin and the curly "good" hair that we had been indoctrinated to believe equalled "better". We were both jocks which made the attraction only stronger. And, we discovered, our fathers worked in the same carpentry mill together. We became boyfriend and girlfriend. We were meant to be! Lol
Only thing was although I was only a few months older, I was a year ahead of him at school so I ended up in high school before him. So not cool (back then). He met a younger girl and the rest is history. Throughout the years I saw him sporadically and he always made my heart flutter.
2005: My life was at an all time low. I was pregnant with Ajani and his dad had long left. I could have got an abortion but chose not to because this child did not ask for this. I am pro-abortion but I knew I'd be ok. I will never regret that decision. Ever.
One day I'm at work and HE walks in. It had been at least ten years since the last time I'd seen him up close. And again my heart flutters. I was so happy to see him. And the feeling was mutual. I remember my boss saying to us: "You two need to go out together because there is a definite chemistry here!" And we did. Initially I didn't tell him I was pregnant because I already made up my mind that no man would stay in a situation like mines although there was no dad around to cause any drama. So I just enjoyed the few dates for what they were. The night I was preparing to walk away we went out and then sat in his car and talked for hours. And I told him. And I cried. He wiped away my tears. And vowed that he would never leave again. And I believed him. He was there for everything. He held Ajani before me. Gave him his first bath. Cradled him on his chest from day one. Loved him like he sired him himself. He said he would never leave. And I believed him....
As years progressed like any couple, we had struggles and challenges. But walking away was not an option. I was committed to creating this forever with him. I was warned about some things regarding him. But I didn't listen because I truly loved this man. And I believed he loved us too. But in reflection, I have no clue if it was genuine. But back then, I believed him.
Then one day something major happened. I won't reveal it but it was not due to cheating. I should have left then. But he was the only father Boyboys had. And Ki was attached. So I sucked it up and pushed shit on the back burner. I took the punk way out. I should have left. When I finally made up my mind a year later that it was time to purge the plus shows up on the stick. Little Ny was on the way. I contemplated abortion because I was not proud that a third child was created in my third relationship. Granted we'd been together for years but I still was apprehensive. He was upset with me: "How could you want to abort our child after I've shown you what kind of dad I can be with Boyboys?" And I believed him.
October 2009: Five weeks before I am due to give birth, my world comes crashing in. I'm at the doctors alone AGAIN only to discover that he's away on vacation with another woman. Yeah you read that correctly. I find out minutes before a surprise baby shower is thrown for me on my job. I had to grin through the absolute worst pain of my life as they adorned me with gifts addressed to him and me. What a fake I was that day. When he gets off the plane he begs for forgiveness. Says he didn't want to do it but I didn't make him feel like a man. And she did. Oh what a bitter pill to swallow. But I didn't leave. He said he wouldn't do it again. And I believed him.
December 7, 2009: Our beautiful son was born but it was one of the worst days of my life. It was bittersweet.
I was angry, resentful. Bitter. Hateful. Degrading. Venomous. Catch my drift? And three months later he's back in another woman's bed again. And a boasty ugly one at that. I laughed at that one. A fucking monchihi (if you are born before 1980 I hear you laughing!) At least step up. At least the first one was somewhat cute and would suck a dick in a second and is known to prey on needy men. She fit the bill perfectly.
Now caught the second time, he vows not to do it again. "I need you and the kids." And his dumb ass believed him. You seeing an idiotic pattern?
I was angry. And started to lash out. No, continued to lash out. You know how they say hurt people hurt people. Yeah that was me. People find it hard to believe that lil me has such a fierce temper. It was ugly. I was mad. I felt abandoned. I started to see someone but it didn't last because I was caught up in this unhealthy love that started out so pure.
The rage was swelling inside of me and it controlled everything I did. The slightest thing would invoke a flare up. But one day I flipped out in front of my kids and I saw the fear in the big one's faces and knew then and there I needed help. I called the Centre Against Abuse and spent two solid hours crying Mrs. Vickers' office. I was a ticking time bomb and just knew the wrong person would set me off. I needed Mrs. Vickers' help and was willing to do whatever it took to benefit fully. I signed up for the 12 week women's programme and completed EVERY session in honesty. It was the single most momentous time in my life outside of giving birth to my two oldest kids. Which leads me to Ny. Before I attended the class I resented him. While I cared for his needs I did not bond with him like I did the other two. Mothering him was a chore because I was so mad at his father's misgivings while I was carrying him. I felt that he obviously was not important to him for him to keep cheating throughout my pregnancy beyond so why I had to be stuck with him? Although I loved him, he was simply an obligation....until I graduated from the class on May 18, 2011, the day after my 37th birthday. My rebirth. A burden had finally been lifted. Thank you Centre Against Abuse. Because of your class I was able to work on my healing but most importantly, you helped me find a clearing in order to love my little boy. Regardless of circumstance.
And I have never lashed out physically since. But be warned. That hairline temper still exists, I just know how to control it MUCH better now.
So now here I am ready to move onto the next level of our lives and guess what happens? He then becomes the old me. Not being abusive, but not trusting. He didn't believe that my change was genuine and acted accordingly. And hence the cycle of insanity continued. But every time I suggested we go our separate ways and remain on good terms for the kids, he refused. "I love you and the kids. I love my family." And I still believed him.
Recently I decided that it was time to walk away. For good. He stopped taking care of his responsibility to his son. He hardly came to see them. He'd long stop seeing me and it was clear he was seeing someone else. Of course he denied it. Claimed he was getting himself together. That he wants to marry me (that was two weeks ago) and missed me (a few days ago) yet still refused to take care of his child. Christmas came and went. Boyboys was eagerly awaiting his gifts; Ny is too young to care. They received nothing. I was told: "I have things to do. They'll get gifts later." And that's when I started to really believe something different.
For the last few months our son has been crying daily for him. Boys boys is extremely intelligent but very sensitive so while he is missing his daddy he just shrugs off the constant disappointment...which is not healthy for his emotional development.
This last weekend, he was excited to be participating in a mountain bike series and he wanted his daddy to be there. I let him know and he said he would be there. And I believed him. But that morning he sends a text saying that he's been called in to work. I thought nothing of it. I figured if he makes extra money hopefully he'll finally contribute financially to his son's well being. But when Boyboys tries to call and call to tell him how he did and no one seems to know where he is, it dawns on me. He went away that morning. Wow!
He hasn't upheld his responsibilities for his son in MONTHS but can hop on a plane. With a woman. Again. But this time the slap is different. I could care less a out the female aspect but the fact that he is wining and dining and renting cars and blah blah blah yet his son has not received any support from him in months is just FUCKED UP. Plain and simple.
All this time he's been assuring me that he just needs time to get himself together. And I believed him. "There is no one. I'm always at home. Call my mama and ask." If I have a dime for every time I heard that weak line my son would be a millionaire by now.
So now, the message is clear. He don't give a shit about me or anyone in this household. And I believe him. Once and for all.
So goodbye sir. It was real. I thank you for sticking by me during the hard times; I will always be grateful for that. But the truth of the matter I believe the bulk of this long union has been just one lie and deceitful act after another. I wish you well. I am not angry nor resentful. Instead I am embracing the truth. I hope you find the completeness you so desperately want. And the happiness you deserve.
Peace and blessings,
CarlaSZ
And ps. You were the first and only man who I ever deeply loved. You were just too smoked up to see it.
|
|
|
|
|
| |
January 3rd, 2013
|
|
Things are coming nicely... |
|
|
|
|
Words cannot explain how happy I am. I've had a long, productive day. Big Tings coming my way! |
|
|
|
|
| |
January 2nd, 2013
|
|
I'm okay! |
|
|
|
|
Happy New Year! So glad to see 2012 out the door! You have no clue how hard the last year has been. End of a long term relationship, dealing with emotional turmoil with different players in my life, having to pick up financial slack I did not think I'd ever have to, mounting anger and resentment. Failing school due to lack of personal time and major distractions...the list goes on and on. But like everything else in life, there is an endpoint and I set mine for November 2012. Why then? Because when certain things started to happen I vowed I would put an end to it at the seven year mark. And I did. And I have no regrets. And you know what? I should have done it sooner.
I was absolutely miserable as the Christmas season approached. I knew disappointments were on the horizon. And if you know me, I hate to see my kids hurting. But I had to tell myself, "This is what life is about. Ups and downs. You can't prevent them Carla, but you can handle them with finesse." And that's what I did. My kids had a great holiday with me. They didn't even realise that they were ignored yet again on another special occasion, and if they weren't bothered, I decided why should I be? I was furious at first but then one day someone wrote under a status update (and I'm paraphrasing): "You won't get mad anymore when you accept things for what they are. Stop having expectations." Thank you Kim!
New Year's Eve was like none other I've experienced before. I was planning on partying, paying homage to my "new life" but instead found myself being drawn to attend church. So I did. Alone. And LOVED it. The message was timely. The pastor was talking to me! And I was willing to listen! And then and there I made up my mind that all that happened before January 1 2013 is over. What exists, exists. And while I will never forget, I will no longer allow it to control my emotions or actions. I have no clue how I am going to have to pull all of this financial weight but I will walk in faith. I will be okay.
I didn't realize how burdened people were seeing I was. I was getting phone calls, texts, FB messages....all enquiring if I was alright. And as my good friend Bundy always tells me, I kept the S on my chest. Life nor my kids have time for weakness. And then it hit me. I was not okay. I was doing double duty. I was, and still am, providing for two kids wholly and solely with ZERO financial support. And no one seemed to care. No let me rephrase that. No one who I felt should care, did. But that takes me back to Kim's words of wisdom. And again I thank her.
And that's what lead me to church.
As I drove home from church I was so at peace. And genuinely happy. Because He told me that everything will be okay. And you know what?? I believe Him.
Looking forward to an awesome year! |
|
|
|
|
| |
December 30th, 2012
|
|
10 most valuable lessons I've learned in 2012 |
|
|
|
|
10. When your partner never wants to take you anywhere besides their family functions, it's a sign that they are keeping secrets from the outside world.
9. When your significant other is never in the mood for sex, it's not the sex from you they don't want, it's sex with someone else they are desiring more.
8. When a person can owe you money yet grin up in your face and ask how are you, they just a cold, evil person.
7. When a so-called friend always acts like they take pleasure in making snide remarks that they know bother you, they really aren't your friend.
6. A relationship means nothing without trust.
5. A person who does not love him/herself will never be able to love anyone else.
6. The greatest thing about life is that is offers many strange and exciting twists and turns...explore them.
5. Anyone who doesn't care whether their child has food in their belly or clothes on their back BUT makes sure they partake in all of their leisure activities, really doesn't care about their child.
4. A person who constantly lies about how great they are as a parent or spouse is making a conscious decision not to be one because if not why would they lie?
3. A person will continually do only what you allow them to. Don't be afraid to end the insanity.
2. A liar will always be a liar.
1. Don't forget to pray. No matter how hard things may seem He is always listening. |
|
|
|
|
| |
December 6th, 2012
|
|
Birthday Eve |
|
|
|
|
In a few minutes it will be my lil man's third birthday. Where has the time flown. But then again it seems like just yesterday....sigh |
|
|
|
|
| |
December 5th, 2012
|
|
A prayer |
|
|
|
|
Dear God,
Once again thank you for allowing me to see another day.
Thank you for providing me with the means to provide for my children; I love them dearly and want for them to grow up to be kind and considerate adults.
God, I rarely ask for anything but I am asking you to please set me free. I need help with severing an unhealthy relationship which has been in existence far too long. It's draining and negative and I need the strength once and for all.
Although I wanted nothing more than to be in it forever, this was not what I envisioned. I can no longer waste my life on someone who does whatever he wants when he feels like. I need a partner, Dear God, not a constant enemy.
I've asked you repeatedly to remove me from this situation, but you haven't, so I thought it was a sign that I needed to stay. Now I feel you kept me here so that I can spot a genuinely good partner when you send him.
I am so sick and tired if this insanity and it is destroying my peace. I need it back. I'm also working on being closer to You,God. The safest place to be.
Everything happens in your time Lord.
In Jesus' name I pray.
Amen |
|
|
|
|
| |
|
I'm alive! |
|
|
|
|
Some hour this morning I woke up and my mind was instantly in motion. Nothing important just random thoughts and reminders about what I had to do today. I turned to kiss my son as he sleeps under me EVERY night (grrr) and I watched as he peacefully slumbered. Then it hit me... I am alive. And life should never be taken for granted... |
|
|
|
|
| |
December 3rd, 2012
|
|
Don't swear the small stuff! |
|
|
|
|
Cheez almost forgot to blog. I've had a long busy day but a great one never less. Today my daughter received first honours in school by maintaining an 87% average. I am so proud of her and she should be proud of herself as she has had a direct hand in her academic achievement. A serious proud mama moment.
They say when one door closes another one opens. Well I sure experienced that today. Earlier I receive a call that monies I was due to receive oils not come my way in its entirety. While disappointed I was not going to dwell on it. Made no sense.
But within hours I receive a phone call about some long term freelance work. The phone call solidified my mantra of 'don't sweat the small stuff'.
To finish of the night, my softball team kicked arse.
What a rewarding day! |
|
|
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
